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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose prints from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,
Outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "Sit"
and "Stay"….first thing in the morning.
-- Anon
HIS APOLOGIES
Master, this is Thy Servant. He is rising eight weeks old.
He is mainly Head and Tummy. His legs are uncontrolled.
But Thou hast forgiven his ugliness, and settled him on Thy knee...
Art Thou content with Thy Servant? He is *very* comfy with Thee.
Master, behold a Sinner! He hath committed a wrong.
He hath defiled Thy Premises through being kept in too long.
Wherefore his nose has been rubbed in the dirt and his self- respect has been bruised.
Master, pardon Thy Sinner, and see he is properly loosed.
Master, again Thy Sinner! This that was once Thy Shoe,
He has found and taken and carried aside, as fitting matter to chew.
Now there is neither blacking nor tongue, and the Housemaid has us in tow,
Master, remember Thy Servant is young, and tell her to let him go!
Master, extol Thy Servant, he has met a most Worthy Foe!
There has been fighting all over the Shop -- and into the Shop also!
Till cruel umbrellas parted the strife (or I might have been choking him yet),
But Thy Servant has had the Time of his Life -- and now shall we call on the vet?
Master, behold Thy Servant! Strange children came to play,
And because they fought to caress him, Thy Servant wentedst away.
But now that the Little Beasts have gone, he has returned to see
(Brushed -- with his Sunday collar on) what they left over from tea.
Master, pity Thy Servant! He is deaf and three parts blind.
He cannot catch Thy Commandments. He cannot read Thy Mind.
Oh, leave him not to his loneliness; nor make him that kitten's scorn.
He hath had no other God than Thee since the year that he was born.
Lord, look down on Thy Servant! Bad things have come to pass.
There is no heat in the midday sun, nor health in the wayside grass.
His bones are full of an old disease -- his torments run and increase.
Lord, make haste with Thy Lightnings and grant him a quick release!
by Rudyard Kipling
The Power of the Dog
There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passsion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.
When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.
When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.
We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?
Rudyard Kipling
57 hits
Lend Me A Pup
I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.
Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe for two or three
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise that he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.
I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd life's land
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take my pup back again.
I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this pup will bring,
the risk of grief you'll run.
Will you shelter him with tenderness
Will you love him while you may
And for the happiness you'll know forever grateful stay.
But should I call him back
much sooner than you've planned
Please brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.
If, by your love, you've managed
my wishes to achieve,
In memory of him that you've loved,
cherish every moment with your faithful bundle,
and know he loved you too.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air &
the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps & stretch before rising.
Run, romp & play daily.
Eat with gusto & enthusiasm.
Be Loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent,
sit close by & nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention & let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water & lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around & wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded,
don't buy into the guilt thing & pout...
run right back & make friends.
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
-Author Unknown
Only A Dog
Do you remember thinking it was time that the kids learned some
responsibility and scanning the newspaper ads for a cheap dog for sale?
Do you remember bringing home this little ball of shivering fur and
putting her out in the yard on a chain that was too heavy on a night
that was too cold? Of course you don't remember this.
After all, she is only a dog.
Do you remember this baby crying because she was afraid and alone? Do you
remember screaming at her to be quiet and finally going out there to kick
her to drive home the lesson? Of course you don't remember this.
After all, she is only a dog.
Do you remember the many times you noticed her water bowl was
empty and her food bowl was covered with mold and thinking that it was
the kids' job to take care of her? Do you remember seeing that her coat
was dull and lifeless and, in many places, chewed away down to the skin
because of the parasites no one took the time to rid her of? Of course
you don't remember this. After all, she is only a dog.
Do you remember her first heat and the neighbor's male visiting
her night after night? Do you remember thinking that letting her have
the puppies would be a good experience for the kids? Do you remember
that every one of those pups died because their mother was no more than
a puppy herself? Of course you don't remember this.
After all, she is only a dog.
I know you remember the animal control officer coming to the
house, accusing you of animal cruelty and taking her away because you
couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.
After all, she is only a dog.
I thought you might be interested in how this girl is doing
today. You see, once she found a home that gave her love, attention and
proper care, she blossomed into a beautiful, loyal companion.
To these people, she is much more than only a dog.
She became a therapy dog and now goes to nursing homes and
hospices where she brightens the lives of the infirm and dying. To some
of these people, she has given hope. To others, she's given them a
reason to keep living. To even others, she's given them the will to die
peacefully, with a smile on their lips.
To these people, she is much more than only a dog.
Just last week, she helped find a little boy that was lost in
the woods. She spent a long, cold winter's night, lying over him to keep
him warm and risked her own life to protect his. To this little
boy and his family, she is much more than only a dog.
Why did that filthy, flea ridden animal chained in your backyard suddenly
become so important to so many? Because she never gave up her
trust in people and she never once thought, "After all, he is only a human."
-Author Unknown
I wish someone would tell me what it is
That I've done wrong.
Why I have to stay chained up and
Left alone so long.
They seemed so glad to have me when
I came as a pup.
There were so many things we'd do
While I was growing up.
They couldn't wait to train me as a
Companion and a friend.
And told me how they'd never fear
Being left alone again.
The children said they'd feed me and
Brush me every day.
They'd play with me and walk me
If I could only stay.
But now the family "Hasn't Time";
They often say I shed.
They do not want me in the house
Not even to be fed.
The children never walk me
They always say, "NOT NOW!"
I wish that I could please them
Won't someone tell me how?
All I had, you see, was love.
I wish they would explain
Why they said they wanted me,
Then left me on a chain?
-Author Unknown
Alone Again
A Poem for New Puppy Owners
IF IT SHOULD BE
Author unknown.
Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair...
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!
Don't eat those peas, don't touch that bush,
Don't chew my shoes, what IS this mush?!?
Eat your cookies, drink your drink,
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
AWAY FROM THE LITTER BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT!
(and must you kiss me after that?!?)
Raising a puppy is not for the lazy,
Those rugrats are funny but also quite crazy.
Don't despair through the toil and the strife,
'Cause after three years you'll get back your life!
So let's go for walkies, so you can do your "thing",
And maybe I'll get back my good diamond ring!
If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.
We've had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come -- please let me go.
Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.
Please do not grieve -- it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.
